Breakfasts should be seasoned not herbed…

I don’t want herbs on my breakfast 

It’s something that should not be done 

No garnish is needed upon bacon bap

(or muffin, roll, barmcake or bun)

Although controversial, I quite like to have

My hash browns swapped out for some chips

But scatter no rosemary upon the top

Or they shall not be passing my lips!

A sausage that’s simple and meaty

For breakfasting roles can’t be beat

Please don’t use Lincolnshire or Cumberland 

I do not want herbs in my meat

I don’t want snipped chives sprinkled on my fried egg

Or chopped parsley framing the scene

It’s almost as bad as one’s toast being spread

Not with butter, but cheap margarine 

Tarragon should be gone from my mushrooms 

Basil is banned from my beans

It’s oregaNO for my grilled tomato

On my breakfast, herbs should not be seen

So, please don’t put herbs on my breakfast

It’s not ‘gastro’, not ‘posh’ and not nice

Just ketchup or brown sauce, a dusting of salt

Black pepper’s fine too; it’s a spice


I have an inkling…

My apologies for the barrel scraping puns, and I’m only halfway through! I struggled a bit on this because it looks like a bat or a butterfly and very little else. Here goes though:

No. 5

Rorschach blot 05.jpg

Large caterpillar

Bird-headed ballerina

Hidden crocodiles


The Artful Splodger

In the hope that these posts are flying under the radar of any psychologists, and thus keeping me out of the padded cell, I bring you number 4 in my Kerner/ Rorschach tribute haiku series:

No. 4

Rorschach blot 04.jpg

Cloaked fox on sofa

Is offered some cowboy boots

By a large housefly


A blot on the landscape

So, after googling how to spell ‘Rorschach’ for my entry for this year’s National Poetry Comp I inevitably ended up clicking link after link after link in a downward spiral of interwebular mindrot. However, before I got to the stage where I was promised that I ‘would be amazed at what Susan Boyle looks like now’ or learning how a ‘local man earns £15,000 a day working from home with this one simple trick’ I actually found out some interesting stuff about this whole inkblot thing…

It turns out that making art from inkblots has a proper name and everything. It is called Klecksography! Apparently a chap named Justinus Kerner was a bit of a dab hand at this and used said artistic methods to illustrate his poetry in the mid to late 1800’s. It was Kerner’s work which is said to have influenced the famous Rorschach inkblot test which, I also found out, only has ten inkblot images.


So, with this in mind I though that I would spend the next few weeks doing a series of Haiku based on each of the ten slides in the Rorschach test as a bit of a nod to Mr Kerner, and also because I like themes and ten is a smaller number than three hundred and sixty five! Here goes…

Number 1.

Rorschach blot 01.jpg

Chihuahuas each side

A Darth Vader Lollipop

Two Wizbits high five


Northern Soul

I went to Kentish Town last night to see an old hero of mine; John Cooper Clarke. The show was great, as expected from such a legendary wordsmith, but I was blown away by another fellow Manc I had not come across before. I was mesmerised by the flawless delivery of Mike Garry’s witty and heartfelt observations of my Northern homeland. You can’t go wrong with a guy who’s worked with New Order!

Turns out he has a blog too. Check it out. I’m off for a pie.


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